WHY DID HIS HEART FEEL SO BAD?

The night grew longer in a slow progression of deep, unknown, inescapable sadness. He had no clue why he felt that way. The morning, the afternoon and most part of the evening was pretty bright and sunny to speak of. He felt so ill-equipped to deal with the sudden rush of emotions in him. Why so instantaneously he felt so depressed and so sad, he had no idea. But at that very moment all he could do was just sit still and let the emotion take complete control. Neither had he contemplated the spell of depression to come visit him without any warning at all, nor was he prepared for tears that filled his eyes. He sat there long and motionless except for the tears rolling down from his cheeks.

Trying to reason what was happening to him, he dug deep within his heart and mind, hoping to find something or the other that might have triggered his outburst. There was nothing that happened during the day that could have caused it. In fact life was going smoothly for the past few months for him. It would be utterly inappropriate for someone with such a smooth running life to cry like a baby out of nowhere. He laid out the cards in front of him. Family - it wasn't the best but it was not so bad either. He had his problems and so did the rest of the family but there wasn't anything extraordinarily depressing about it. Friends - he had always been lucky when it came to friends, there was no reason at all to complain. Job - he had pretty much changed the course recently and was happy to be following his heart and trying out something new. It was a new experience and he was coping with the change quite well. 'What then?' he kept on thinking hard.

Everything said and done, he did not feel the worth of his life at all. It was as worthless as anything could be. There was nothing that could make him say there was something valuable when it came to his life. He could not find anything at all. Maybe it was this feeling that made him lose control somehow. It must have been the slow progression of feeling worthless about everything about himself through the years that caused the sadness and the tears. 'It surely must have been,' he thought.

The moment he thought he had the answer, he was back to reality, lying in sweat on his bed. It was still dark outside. The dawn was still to break. He slowly got up from his bed and walked to the living room, opened the refrigerator and drank some water from the bottle. Then he walked out into the balcony and spreading his hands on the railings, just stood looking at the wide expanse of concrete in front of his eyes. After a while, the first lights slowly began to show itself from behind the buildings to his far left. The sun rose in sometime. It was his first sunrise in months.

Staring at the sun, he smiled. He then closed his eyes, took a long deep breathe and stepped inside. He knew then and there that his life was headed for some major changes. Even though he was still unsure about a lot of things, there was a burst of positive energy within him.

THIS IS IT... GOODBYE MICHAEL JACKSON...

This is it. It finally has sunken in that you are really gone. It was just few days back when I heard from my boss one morning that you had died of a heart attack. I was shocked. I have never really been a fan, in the correct usage of the word. My life has never been revolved around your songs or albums. Still I was shocked to hear the news. You had in all these years become this figure/personality who I thought, and perhaps everyone else too, would never die. Someone for whom there was no life or death. You were beyond that. And then to hear the news that you are dead was unbelievable, to say the least.

Since then, I have been going back to your songs and your music videos. It was during this period of re-discovery that I realised, I wasn't unaffected by you. My life had been touched in some way or the other by you and your songs. That is when I realised the greatness of you as an artist. To touch the lives of even those who never really bothered to buy your CDs or fight to get tickets to your concerts. That is what a great artist is all about.

My earliest memories are of the days when I would help my sister rehearse for a group song she was to perform during our school's annual function. It was 'Heal The World'. The strength of the song and weight of the words went beyond the wisdom of the little boy then. But since then, I have often heard the song and wondered at the simplicity of putting across a message with such honesty and care.

Thanks to MTV and Channel-V and in recent years VH1, I have been exposed to many more of your songs and videos. Most leave me completely speechless. I haven't really stopped to think and listen carefully to you but now I do. I have heard many say that one should not wait for death to come for someone to really appreciate the person when he was alive. But I guess that's how it's been in my case.

I witnessed your memorial service today. I witnessed those who cared for you say their goodbyes to you. I witnessed other great artists pay their respects and tribute to you and your life. Sitting in my living room, and watching it on TV, I realised it wasn't just the ones who were there but there were many more, all around the world who would have felt a pain in their hearts. An indescribable pain of not really having known you in real or to have seen you perform on stage. And no matter how well they may have lived their life, a space now has been created for regret to reside, knowing they were a part of an era when you lived yet failing to see you.

The world had gathered to say goodbye to you. But for me, it is only the beginning of getting to know you more. To understand your music and your words. For words and music may seem just mere letters or mere notes sometimes, but you know it all too well, they sure can make a BIG difference.

Here's to you! May you be blessed forever. It is a pleasure to really know you...

TO APPRECIATE LIFE FOR WHAT IT IS

It's when the bubble burst that I realised, I hadn't cried for long...
It's when the world crumbled that I realised, I wasn't so strong...

To know that nothing is perfect was the wisdom...
But I held on to the illusion of 'Perfection'...
illusion that filled the void in my life...
the void of unsettling dreams and uprooted relations...

As I step out and see what lies in front of me...
and truly feel the emotions within me...
I know I am not as prepared as I had thought I was...
and my mind's not as clear, it has its doubts...

The unexpected overwhelms me... and emotions have no rein on them...
What was guarded has been let loose...
What was shielded now lay broken...

But in all of these I have come to realise something else too...

The need to appreciate life for what it is..

to not be ashamed of it and hide it under cover..
cover of pretense and false strength...
to not just pretend to live and go through the motion...
but to truly see it and live it too, with all our hearts!!

TO HAVE MY DANCE

Sitting in a corner of a crowded room, with beautiful people all around, hugging and kissing each other, dancing to the songs blasting off the speakers... lights and shadows playing tricks with the faces I strain to recognise...

I am not uninvited but still I am unattended... I am not searching for someone... or feeling uncomfortable in my place or my skin... I have my thoughts and my ideas to pass me my time... to while away this moment for a lasting one that may follow... but whose promise may not be kept as well...

I am just staring blank... not looking at anyone in particular... a blur in view and a blur in my heart... I wish I could feel the feeling in me or touch the hands of the one whose face I cannot see... I wish I could see clearly the one who's playing this lovely melody in my heart... I wish I could know who is the one who is making me dance... while I sit in a dark corner of a room full of people with too loud music...

Someday when you come to me... I know I too will have my dance...

TO KNOW YOU'RE STILL FERTILE!!

It's a good feeling to know that you are still fertile and capable. And I don't mean in terms of the biological/parenting kind of way. Not that I am or was infertile or incapable that way either! (Clarifications are always better, you know!) When I say fertile, I mean fertile in thoughts and ideas and capable of putting those thoughts and ideas into properly woven pieces.

When you have been doing things that remotely or never really had any connection whatsoever to something you always had a special fondness for in your life, you tend to question if at all the fondness is justified at all. A part of you begin to wonder if you are even capable at all. I have always had a fascination for writing, but my work was never really helpful in nurturing it. If at all, it somehow widened the gap of confidence in my work and my writing. I began to feel more in control and in command of the task at hand. I did well in my work. At the same time, my writing which was at a nascent stage, didn't really get proper nurturing and was almost always neglected. The guilt of not doing enough slowly turned into frustration. Although I changed jobs, but it seemed well and fine only in the beginning. Things became the same all over again. Frustration was all around and it spilled over onto other aspects of my life.

I'm glad that I quit before it took complete control of my life and everything else I have cared enough to build for so long. But the question still remained, what was I suppose to do that would not take me to the same abysmal low again. Like any other time in my life, the road just guided me to where I am resting today. I am feeling at home now. I am not sure if it is the initial phase of welcoming everyone receives or the happiness is purely based on business with me being labeled as a means of profit-making. Or am I truly home?

Lately, I have been feeling the dampness in my mind's ground, a sign of a shower again in the long-barren land! I can feel seeds of thoughts and ideas sprouting in some hidden crevices of my mind. Maybe the garden will be able to come to life this time and not wither away before the first few flowers have even appeared like it did before.

Lately, I can sense my mind's showing the signs of fertility... Lately, I can feel I am capable again...

LAWS OF ATTRACTION!

If I knew the laws of attractions, I'd find it easier to cope with my heart's embarrassing thoughts upon meeting a stranger I connect with on so many levels. I'd leave the right impression; speaking the apt words and making the right moves. I'd build the stories and bring it to an end of happy togetherness. But if I really connect well with the person, do I really need to do any of these at all? It would all flow smoothly and quite naturally, won't they? So, why then would one seek to find ways to attract someone? Magazines and Television shows guiding you on how to follow your own heart yet giving you rules to abide by in order to get hooked with the right person out there for you. How do they know what's in your heart when even you fail to understand it most of the times? How do they know which one's the 'right' one for you when even you didn't have any luck in finding the one? You may say, it is because we don't understand our hearts that we let others take charge and guide us. You may say because we are too demanding and less objective when it comes to the 'right' one, we need someone who can view the both of us individually and together to judge if we are right for each other. But aren't we suppose to know ourselves? Aren't we suppose to figure it out ourselves and learn from the process? I mean how can we ever evolve or grow as a person if we let others run our lives for us, huh? It is strange that we trust strangers with our hearts but not ourselves. I guess, it's always better to blame it on others when things don't work out, isn't it?

Some things are however universal when it comes to attraction. It can either be 1) an instant physical attraction which may or may not last enough to build into something more or 2) a slow process of getting to know the person and be left completely mesmerised by all that you discover. Now whether it turns into a relationship or whether the relationship is successful and so on and so forth, are something even the experts cannot predict with sure-shot accuracy. But does it really matter at all? Isn't the idea to just enjoy the moment, the rush of emotions and the sudden yet expected excitement? So, is this to say that I am enjoying the process of this attraction? Let me put it in a different way. I will tell you an incident that just happened earlier tonight.

I was using a knife and watching something on TV but my thoughts were neither focussed on what was coming on screen or on what I was doing with the knife. I was lost in something else altogether. I was lost in someone's thoughts. It took a pain to bring me back to what I was doing. I had cut myself. I cursed myself but then I smiled. I wondered then why some pain can give so much pleasure! Am I still smiling? What do you think? :-)

IDEAS AND THEIR LIVES!

To come up with an idea out of the blue. To get inspired and struck by a thought or a vision. To see it through from its initial hesitant state to being put into words, expanded and explained. To bring it to life. To make it real. It's not an easy task!

Ideas in the beginning are raw and crude. Most fall apart when we try to polish them into finer and more feasible ones. Some are too unrealistic to come out of the realms of our minds. Few persevere long enough to ignite a spark in our mind. It is then left to us to either fuel them into a full-blown fire or extinguish them right then and there depending on how we foresee their future.

The process of turning an idea into an action is a long and arduous one. The secret lies in keeping the passion alive all through. Neither too much of hurry or too slow paced, just the right speed to keep the momentum going till the end.

Why certain ideas even after working day and night on it, fail to be implemented or executed doesn't necessarily have a crystal clear answer; it's for most part ambiguous. Whether it is the practicalities or something else acting as a roadblock in the process or putting an end to it altogether, the fact is not all ideas have the pleasure of living it up for real.

While I'm not sure if the ideas that are in my head right now will survive outside my mind, there are still others being born. I am in the process of making some of these ideas come true. It's the initial stage so I'll keep you posted on whether they see the light of the day or not. For now, I can sense an idea... hold on for a moment... let me try and catch it... gotta rush... see ya...