It's a good feeling to know that you are still fertile and capable. And I don't mean in terms of the biological/parenting kind of way. Not that I am or was infertile or incapable that way either! (Clarifications are always better, you know!) When I say fertile, I mean fertile in thoughts and ideas and capable of putting those thoughts and ideas into properly woven pieces.
When you have been doing things that remotely or never really had any connection whatsoever to something you always had a special fondness for in your life, you tend to question if at all the fondness is justified at all. A part of you begin to wonder if you are even capable at all. I have always had a fascination for writing, but my work was never really helpful in nurturing it. If at all, it somehow widened the gap of confidence in my work and my writing. I began to feel more in control and in command of the task at hand. I did well in my work. At the same time, my writing which was at a nascent stage, didn't really get proper nurturing and was almost always neglected. The guilt of not doing enough slowly turned into frustration. Although I changed jobs, but it seemed well and fine only in the beginning. Things became the same all over again. Frustration was all around and it spilled over onto other aspects of my life.
I'm glad that I quit before it took complete control of my life and everything else I have cared enough to build for so long. But the question still remained, what was I suppose to do that would not take me to the same abysmal low again. Like any other time in my life, the road just guided me to where I am resting today. I am feeling at home now. I am not sure if it is the initial phase of welcoming everyone receives or the happiness is purely based on business with me being labeled as a means of profit-making. Or am I truly home?
Lately, I have been feeling the dampness in my mind's ground, a sign of a shower again in the long-barren land! I can feel seeds of thoughts and ideas sprouting in some hidden crevices of my mind. Maybe the garden will be able to come to life this time and not wither away before the first few flowers have even appeared like it did before.
Lately, I can sense my mind's showing the signs of fertility... Lately, I can feel I am capable again...
When you have been doing things that remotely or never really had any connection whatsoever to something you always had a special fondness for in your life, you tend to question if at all the fondness is justified at all. A part of you begin to wonder if you are even capable at all. I have always had a fascination for writing, but my work was never really helpful in nurturing it. If at all, it somehow widened the gap of confidence in my work and my writing. I began to feel more in control and in command of the task at hand. I did well in my work. At the same time, my writing which was at a nascent stage, didn't really get proper nurturing and was almost always neglected. The guilt of not doing enough slowly turned into frustration. Although I changed jobs, but it seemed well and fine only in the beginning. Things became the same all over again. Frustration was all around and it spilled over onto other aspects of my life.
I'm glad that I quit before it took complete control of my life and everything else I have cared enough to build for so long. But the question still remained, what was I suppose to do that would not take me to the same abysmal low again. Like any other time in my life, the road just guided me to where I am resting today. I am feeling at home now. I am not sure if it is the initial phase of welcoming everyone receives or the happiness is purely based on business with me being labeled as a means of profit-making. Or am I truly home?
Lately, I have been feeling the dampness in my mind's ground, a sign of a shower again in the long-barren land! I can feel seeds of thoughts and ideas sprouting in some hidden crevices of my mind. Maybe the garden will be able to come to life this time and not wither away before the first few flowers have even appeared like it did before.
Lately, I can sense my mind's showing the signs of fertility... Lately, I can feel I am capable again...
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