WHY DID HIS HEART FEEL SO BAD?

The night grew longer in a slow progression of deep, unknown, inescapable sadness. He had no clue why he felt that way. The morning, the afternoon and most part of the evening was pretty bright and sunny to speak of. He felt so ill-equipped to deal with the sudden rush of emotions in him. Why so instantaneously he felt so depressed and so sad, he had no idea. But at that very moment all he could do was just sit still and let the emotion take complete control. Neither had he contemplated the spell of depression to come visit him without any warning at all, nor was he prepared for tears that filled his eyes. He sat there long and motionless except for the tears rolling down from his cheeks.

Trying to reason what was happening to him, he dug deep within his heart and mind, hoping to find something or the other that might have triggered his outburst. There was nothing that happened during the day that could have caused it. In fact life was going smoothly for the past few months for him. It would be utterly inappropriate for someone with such a smooth running life to cry like a baby out of nowhere. He laid out the cards in front of him. Family - it wasn't the best but it was not so bad either. He had his problems and so did the rest of the family but there wasn't anything extraordinarily depressing about it. Friends - he had always been lucky when it came to friends, there was no reason at all to complain. Job - he had pretty much changed the course recently and was happy to be following his heart and trying out something new. It was a new experience and he was coping with the change quite well. 'What then?' he kept on thinking hard.

Everything said and done, he did not feel the worth of his life at all. It was as worthless as anything could be. There was nothing that could make him say there was something valuable when it came to his life. He could not find anything at all. Maybe it was this feeling that made him lose control somehow. It must have been the slow progression of feeling worthless about everything about himself through the years that caused the sadness and the tears. 'It surely must have been,' he thought.

The moment he thought he had the answer, he was back to reality, lying in sweat on his bed. It was still dark outside. The dawn was still to break. He slowly got up from his bed and walked to the living room, opened the refrigerator and drank some water from the bottle. Then he walked out into the balcony and spreading his hands on the railings, just stood looking at the wide expanse of concrete in front of his eyes. After a while, the first lights slowly began to show itself from behind the buildings to his far left. The sun rose in sometime. It was his first sunrise in months.

Staring at the sun, he smiled. He then closed his eyes, took a long deep breathe and stepped inside. He knew then and there that his life was headed for some major changes. Even though he was still unsure about a lot of things, there was a burst of positive energy within him.

THIS IS IT... GOODBYE MICHAEL JACKSON...

This is it. It finally has sunken in that you are really gone. It was just few days back when I heard from my boss one morning that you had died of a heart attack. I was shocked. I have never really been a fan, in the correct usage of the word. My life has never been revolved around your songs or albums. Still I was shocked to hear the news. You had in all these years become this figure/personality who I thought, and perhaps everyone else too, would never die. Someone for whom there was no life or death. You were beyond that. And then to hear the news that you are dead was unbelievable, to say the least.

Since then, I have been going back to your songs and your music videos. It was during this period of re-discovery that I realised, I wasn't unaffected by you. My life had been touched in some way or the other by you and your songs. That is when I realised the greatness of you as an artist. To touch the lives of even those who never really bothered to buy your CDs or fight to get tickets to your concerts. That is what a great artist is all about.

My earliest memories are of the days when I would help my sister rehearse for a group song she was to perform during our school's annual function. It was 'Heal The World'. The strength of the song and weight of the words went beyond the wisdom of the little boy then. But since then, I have often heard the song and wondered at the simplicity of putting across a message with such honesty and care.

Thanks to MTV and Channel-V and in recent years VH1, I have been exposed to many more of your songs and videos. Most leave me completely speechless. I haven't really stopped to think and listen carefully to you but now I do. I have heard many say that one should not wait for death to come for someone to really appreciate the person when he was alive. But I guess that's how it's been in my case.

I witnessed your memorial service today. I witnessed those who cared for you say their goodbyes to you. I witnessed other great artists pay their respects and tribute to you and your life. Sitting in my living room, and watching it on TV, I realised it wasn't just the ones who were there but there were many more, all around the world who would have felt a pain in their hearts. An indescribable pain of not really having known you in real or to have seen you perform on stage. And no matter how well they may have lived their life, a space now has been created for regret to reside, knowing they were a part of an era when you lived yet failing to see you.

The world had gathered to say goodbye to you. But for me, it is only the beginning of getting to know you more. To understand your music and your words. For words and music may seem just mere letters or mere notes sometimes, but you know it all too well, they sure can make a BIG difference.

Here's to you! May you be blessed forever. It is a pleasure to really know you...