A Complete Living Moment

Life is a continuous process of growth. From what we were to where we are now and what will be in our future. It’s continuous and always flowing. The past, the present and the future always walk in tandem with each other at every moment of our existence. Perhaps beyond as well. Whatever we do we are always a part of our past, our present and our future. We are nothing but a continuous flow of all three. We can never live at any point in time in just one part of it. Even when we are thinking of our part or pondering about our future, reflecting on our mistakes or planning our days ahead, we still are in our present moment. We are the past, the future and the present. But they hardly exist in equilibrium in a single moment. There is always one which takes control and overshadows the other two. The past sometimes becomes too strong an influence on our present that we are not able to deal with the way our live is going in the moment. Then there are those moments when our future, the fear and apprehension of the unknown grips us so much so that we tend to lose our balance in life and forget to live the present at all. There are times too when we just while away our life in the present moment, harbouring no thought about where we have come from or think about where we are going. Balance in life comes only when they all exist in complete peace with each other. It’s like being a parent to three children, nurturing them and moulding them together in such a way that all three of them feel loved. Likewise, when all three, the past, the future and the present come together in a harmonious manner, with none of them intruding into the other’s space, a complete living moment exists. Most of the times we are searching for this moment in life but rarely do we find it, if at all.

The Night We Parted

It wasn’t mine. It never was. But it still is precious to me. It still is special to me. The fate was defined, long before the journey. You had yours and I had mine to follow.

Victims of circumstances…. fortunate players with narrow luck and broad goodwill of others...

Differences absolved… boundaries smudged... judgements and prejudices fell through with time and the turn of events.


Invisible thread of emotion…. indescribable flow of affection…. generous concerns and instinctive cares…

Some things brought us together…. others led to our closeness…. unspoken, unuttered yet somehow emotions were heard and felt…


The moments we shared has a life of its own... distinct, independent and disconnected with the lives we live.

Unintended a memory was woven… to think not and sigh at ‘What if’ and ‘If only’… but to look back and smile at ‘What was’…



Just so you know I have been smiling ever since we parted ways and our memories met…

19th July, 2002
Mr. Iyer’s journal entry on the night he parted with Mrs. Iyer whom he had met on a journey that changed their lives forever.

Journalistic Conscience

Human mind - One can try to evaluate the complexity of it, the method and the ways in which it functions but never fully succeed. For all the thousand conformity there will always be one or two exceptions. The way we think and the way react or respond to certain situations and circumstances in life differs with each individual. That is why perhaps, one finds some making the most of a bad situation and rising above the average to succeed and triumph in life while others fail miserable in the same situation. Greatness thus lies not in where we live or who we live it lies in how we think and comprehend our lives.

There are people whose life may not seem so well-lived or of any significance to us but who have achieved and transformed the world around them for the better with what little resources they had in hand. Compared to them we have a lot. But how much of it have we actually utilized to its full capacity?

I sit and wonder at their strength and the sacrifices they made along the way. For them, what they do does not come under any sacrifice of any sort. It is their love and passion in what they do that gives them the courage to fulfill their aspirations.

The world we live in – the parties, the events, the social dos etc. etc. – is all so superficial. And like any other person, I too have become the torchbearer for the good things in life. The images on the television, the many series and the many channels – the fine printed pages of hundreds of magazines – the launch of a new restaurant, bar or pub every other day – all adds to the ‘fake’ world we live in.

We never say what we mean. And never mean what we say. Pretence and loathing – qualities we have adopted ever so effortlessly.

One does lose one’s sense of self amidst all the superficiality of the world around us. And it is in times like these that we need to ask ourselves if we can keep on ignoring the truth; the truth that real life is no party. There is so much more at stake in this world today. We need to evaluate our thoughts and start juggling them to find what exactly it is that we have to do in our lives. What is the use of living at all if we cannot contribute towards ‘life’ in any measure at all? And yet like everyone else the thoughts come and go. And the next day the same routine follows. The real world lie waiting like a mother waiting for her son to come home.

- Written in a very conscientious moment by a journalist.

The only difference being that the son does come home, however late at night.

The above line was added by him the next morning before the document was permanently deleted.

Family – The One We Are Born With & The Ones We Make Of Our Own

A family is one that stays together. How true is it in today’s world? Not very true. We all have to build our own lives and achieve and fulfill our own individual dreams. The pursuit of our aspirations and desires take us to places where we have never been before, meeting new people, facing new challenges and living miles away from the family which meant our world when we were younger. Each one of us take our own journey trying to build our own world. In this search, we end up being far from those we love.

It does not in any way mean our hearts are no longer fonder and our love no longer stronger. The world today has become so fast and quick-footed that in order to keep moving, to keep standing upright and not fall while hundreds and thousands are walking about around you, we have to keep our momentum going. As such a family today has come to exists only in its spirit and not in presence; the spirit of togetherness and closeness as strong as ever, but just too rarely possible to embody this spirit. Somehow we end up being alone for most part of our lives. Agreed that the family lives on but one has to agree that it does not fill up the emptiness of missing the moments of sharing few laughs, few bites of one’s favourite dishes, few hugs and few kisses.

How often and how long can one keep on talking over the phone and chatting on the internet? Though complete, we somehow always end up wishing things were different and we could be living together, knowing fully that it is but only a wishful thinking! Moreover, differences will always crop up and a little distance helps in avoiding the small, silly insignificant problems. With distance the trivial things tend to not matter that much or become totally irrelevant. Focus moves on to the more important aspects of the relationships; forging a deeper connection, comforting and encouraging each other, giving that bit of thrust and energy to keep walking on the journey. And though one does wish to be together, the new found level of togetherness and bonding makes up for the physical shortcomings. Ironically, family becomes a much more integral part of one’s life somehow.

It is not that we don’t get those emotional pangs every once in a while. We do and perhaps that’s the very reason why we seek to make friends and while interacting with people around us we tend to develop an emotional bonding with those we connect with at different level from others. With time we end up making a small world of our own, filling up those spaces that left a void in our lives. Agreed that some voids are not possible to fill up but that’s the reality of life. Not every question needs an answer. Not all emptiness needs to be filled. Some breathing space needs to be there so that the individual can grow.

So, we end up building a small world around us of people who we care for and who care for us as well. They help you sail through some trying times, glide through the sticky situations and fly through happy moments. There’s no denying the importance of family. One cannot describe how and why one needs it. It’s one’s family after all. Though one is always together in spirit as one unit… the group of people around us - our friends - make up for the absence of the family… for most part of it. And our world becomes… not exactly perfect… but almost complete. Almost.

Almost something is better than almost nothing, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you agree? Sometimes ‘almost good enough’ is good enough to inspire us to keep going.

WHAT IS SUCCESS?

What is success? Can it be measured? If it can be, how does one measure it? How much of it does one need to have to be called a ‘success’? Who decides who is successful or not? Who decides what success is? Who lays down the parameters of success? Is success a uniform thing? Is there a set way or technique to understand and know for certain if a person, a project or anything for that matter is a success or not? And if the answer is yes to all these questions, can it all be the same every time? Will the measurement, the technique, the deciding person or factor remain the same in every circumstance? No, it can’t be. It stands true for success as well.

What or who is a success? How much is a success? These are but dependent upon many factors – circumstances, social opinion, bias or impartiality of the person who judges the parameter of success and the field or area in which the success is being measured. Out of these, social opinion or the opinion and thoughts of the masses – the public – plays a very significant role. No matter how successful a person or a thing may be in the eyes of their family and among their circle of friends or by those associated with it respectively, it is but the ‘mass opinion’ and the acceptance of the population at large which decides or puts a stamp of approval to the success. So what is accepted in the society as success will be the standard or the level that one has to measure up to in order to be termed a success. And people’s opinion depends on the circumstances – the environment prevalent at that point of time – which would influence and guide the thoughts of the people. As such, the definition of success changes with time.

So, the best way to thrive for success is not to base it on how the society looks at it or judges it. But to seek one’s own opinion and compare the final outcome with what one had set out to at the onset of the task. In other words be your own judge of how much you have achieved and how successful you are in doing what you had planned to do. It may or may depend on how the society at large reacts or responds to it. Or it may depend solely on the people’s judgement. Key is to set your own parameters. For someone who has a target of selling three paintings, to have sold two would be a fair enough achievement. But it would count as nothing for someone who wants to sell hundreds of them. Most of the times we see people fail because they actually ‘fail’ to see that their success is a matter of how they see it and not how the people around them does. One just needs to be very clear about one’s idea of success and what definition it holds for them. Then work towards it. There is no greater failure than failing from one’s own standard and there is no greater success than succeeding on one’s own terms.

CAN YOU TRUST? OR ARE YOU TRUSTWORTHY?

Trust. Now that's one BIG word! It cements every relationship we have in this world. Trust is rare to come by, hard to keep and when once lost, really difficult to regain. To trust someone is like letting someone in on to your secrets - every little thing that you normally would hide and think a million times before speaking them out. So, in a way it makes two people, who would have been just two strangers into two friends. Building trust comes naturally. It is the things we do, the thoughts we hear, the words we speak and the way we make others feel around us that makes them trust us. The process for most is slow and steady. Some trust people too fast and it is broken fast enough as well. Not to say, those who take time to trust do not get betrayed or aren't left disappointed. They are too. That's how we learn to trust truly. If our trust has been broken several times that it becomes difficult for us to trust someone else or someone new. It becomes harder every time out trust is broken.

With some people it becomes easy to trust. Like for once, most people trust their immediate family members. I for one do trust my sister and my brother a lot. I know I can count on them and I know whatever they say or do would be in my best interest, even if sometimes I may not see it at that point in time. Then there are friends we count on and trust a lot as well. Not all of them dependable. Not all of them are trustworthy. Every friend has a special place and a special role in our lives. Even the most neglected ones show us our ways sometimes when we are lost. Therein lies the 'wonder factor' of life. It never fails to surprise you!

Trust determines the growth of our relationship, whether romantic, sexual or platonic. Secrets maybe the harbinger of trust in any relationship. But secrets are the killers of trust as well. What we choose to reveal and what we choose to hide shapes up the kind of relationship we build with the person concerned. Secrets are like codes which need not be revealed to all. A mystery is always a welcomed thing. The secret when out should not disappoint. So one needs to know the audience to whom the secret is being revealed. The maturity, the level of comfort and all, need to be taken into account while sharing a part of you with others. It does backfires sometimes. After all we can't always have the best judgement about us or about others in our lives. The one we thought would understand, don't. The one in whom we put our trust in, disappoints. It is but natural. But that doesn't mean we stop trying. That doesn't mean we stop putting our trust in others. If we cannot trust the people we have surrounded ourselves with in our lives, then we are as good as being all alone. If we seek friends, if we look for company, we have to know too that a relationship can only forge ahead if cemented by trust.

And it all depends on the question you ask yourself.
Are you trustworthy?
Can you trust?

The trouble is most people tend to ask the wrong question.

MY FIRST LOVE LETTER

My first love letter was a disaster. Not because it wasn't well-written or had grammatical errors or something. It was quite well-written for a 13 year old boy, fascinated simply by the name of a girl in his classroom. The disaster was the fact that I was caught with the letter. Not in school. Or by friends but by my mother while I was writing it. All thanks to my sister. We had said our goodnight and were each on our beds. My lights were still on since I was composing the letter on my bed. Sister was amused as to what I was doing when she had told me twice already to turn off the light. She jumped in out of nowhere and startled me. Then she snatched the paper from me. I protested and ran after her. She began reading out the letter... 'After I saw you for the first time...' All these noise reached my mother's ears and she walked in. Sister was giggling. I kept quiet. Then I said that sister was troubling. This annoyed my sister who announced that I was writing a love letter, in order to save herself from mom's temper. Mom took the letter and after reading it went off and told us to sleep. She said that such a tiny boy thinking about love and writing such nonsense when all he should think about is getting good marks. I was majorly upset. More than at mom, I was mad at my sister. She knew it. So, she went ahead and slept with mom. I was furious and my anger somehow lulled me to sleep.

What happened to the love letter? Well, nothing. When you get a thrashing from your mom, that too word-thrashing you make sure you never repeat the same thing ever again. What happened to the girl. Well, nothing really. She left school the next year. I wasn't heartbroken since I wasn't really in love. But her name still fascinates me. It was a local Khasi name but sounded really nice to me. Would you believe it I still remember the name! Evarista!

After that experience I haven't really written any love letters. It has been more verbal or through cards, mixing my emotions with the festive occasions. I love cards. But most cards are too vague and too petty. I like words woven beautifully and elements like colour, basic layout or images used in a subtle but striking manner. Hallmarks cards stand out clearly because of the number of great many cards I have bought, given or received. Archie's is fine too. But it's more frivolous and fun. But I have found some cool cards from them too. Using cards is like having a letter already written for you. So, it becomes easier. Not that I usually don't put in any more into it. I tend to write or add my own bit to it. In a way it has been more of cards and less of letters.

I remember I once tried to write my own sweet love letter, in the form of a poem after I saw the movie starring Jennifer Jason Leigh and Campbell Scott, 'The Love Letter' on Hallmark Channel... It was a really good movie... Have seen it many times. I hope I can find it somewhere. Even the one in 'Message in a Bottle'... was quite powerful... I remember the letter in Knight's Tale, which by the way my brother loved... there are any many others which I don't remember now... maybe someday when I do I will write another post!

Never Underestimate Your Past

In moments when I've found myself utterly confused and utterly in doubt my past has revealed to me a sight I had not seen while living through the moments long gone. Maybe it's the growth in us as a person or more precisely the changes we have undergone which gives a whole new meaning to what had been and a new, different perspective to our old eyes. I'm in no way saying that the solutions to our present lies exclusively in our past. But for most part, speaking from personal experience it has always helped me in ways I could not have thought of. I have found the roots to some of my problems by tracing it to my past. The experiences I have gone through and the people I have met somehow give me the clues if not the answers to questions that troubled me in my recent past. I am also in no way saying that only solutions lay in our past. More often than not there are more confusion and more doubts lurking around in our past than in our present. Nothing loves chaos more than the present. And when the present stumbles its way into the confused past, the effect can be rather drastic and dramatic.

It is impossible I think to deal with all the problems and issues of the present moment at those precise moments, leaving nothing left to be resolved or sorted out. If we could be so organized, quick-witted and far-sighted life would be simply put, quite simple. But we all know it isn't possible and such theories, rather ideas are just good to make us feel good. They serve no other purpose. Because we take time to solve our problems, if at all we are able to figure them out in the first place, the past always remains a territory we often have to visit to lead a more sensible/sane present. This reminds me of how my sister always told us to move clutters away from the house, to make things organized and give more space for the room to breathe. I guess it is the same with our lives. When the past is cluttered and the present is seeking more space there is no other way to do so without cleaning up the mess and trying to clear our past.

I have had to face several such circumstances. I won't say I'm proud of how I have dealt with most of them. Many times, I have just resorted to ignoring the problem altogether and turning a deaf ear to all the pleas of the voices of my past. But there have been times when I've been overwhelmed by it all and completely broken down. Times when I've fallen to pieces and then after the tears, recollected them all, putting them to their places. The collected calm after a breakdown, the peace in one's heart is something else altogether! That doesn't mean one needs to go through a breakdown to feel that peace. What I don't like about dealing with the past, its many twisted turns and hidden alleys is not the uncertainty of it ever being resolved, but the fear of getting lost in them. I mean give me a cluttered and messed up room any day! I can pick the piles of dirty clothes up and soak them overnight and wash them in the morning. I can dust the speakers, the tables and the computers. I can sweep the floor and mob them later. I can do all these and while humming a song or shaking a leg or two as well... But I have no clue how to clean up my past, how to resolve the unanswered and the mysterious confusions, how to deal with the onslaught of the emotions that almost always follows such endeavors.

But now I am dealing with some monsters, some clutters and some mess of my past. I have taken the first few steps. I have ventured into the darkness. I am now climbing down one step at a time, holding on to the railing of my present that links to my past. My faith and believe, guiding my steps down the stairway. I am hoping to find my home. I am hoping it welcomes me just the way I am. I hope it breathes some life into me and tells me 'It's okay, you just go there and live.'