Yesterday - Short Story

Some days are memorable for several reasons. Others don’t need any reasons at all. They are stand alone grand in its beginning and magnificent in its ending. Yesterday was one such day. It was like piece-de-resistance drama. Though he just happened to be the lead in the story, it didn’t really matter who played which role, the combined effect of everyone and everything put together created the theatrical extravaganza of a day.

The Morning:

There were just two rooms and four people were already fighting for their own spaces with their own furniture and stuff lying around the house. The late-comings were well overdue and to top it all, he was still taking a stroll in the dream park. A bolt of lightning woke the devil out of him. A sudden realization that the day had already begun, sprang him up to his feet. He bumped into his shoes thrown about carelessly last night, before reaching the bathroom. It was one of the quickest showers he ever had. Perhaps the fastest he ever brushed as well. He did feel nausea for no apparent reason but the time constraint made him neglect it. He went hopping around the rooms, making desperate attempts not to wake up the dozed souls yet getting ready as fast as possible. Five minutes and he was done. Ran out of the house like a thief and walked the roads like in a walkathon. Finally, the famous dilli auto-wallahs were in sight and he knew there was no way he could fight today. So, he relented to the price they wanted him to pay. The line, ‘Jaldi chalna bhaiya’ was followed to the ‘T’ by the auto-wallah. Never mind the man who was almost hit while he was crossing the road and the ‘gaaliyas’ he launched at the auto or the car at the crossing trying to move to the right side, inching ahead every few seconds only to be halted abruptly by the ‘Jaldi..’ auto. Oh yes! He hauled some more expletives, but he didn’t really care as long as he reached on time.


But half-way the uneasiness got the better of him. The nausea took over and erupted in a matter of few minutes. The ‘Jaldi...’ auto-wallah now turned into the ‘Chhi...’ auto-wallah. Somehow, getting some water from the auto-wallah, he cleaned his mouth and after few minutes he had reached his office. Bargaining with one’s health was not such a good idea. He found this out as soon as he stepped into his office. The nausea was making him dizzy. A quick sms to the boss and he was on his way back home again.

The Afternoon:

Thankfully, the journey back was much less ‘eventful’ than the journey to his office. It took few swift turns and a driver more than happy to accelerate to reach home. The only hitch, if it could qualify as one, was the fact that the driver was a bit too loud and overzealous. He got to know the driver had been a driver for the last 5 years. He came to Delhi from Punjab where his family lives. He has an elder brother, married with a child who lives separately in North Delhi while he stays with other auto-drivers in Sangam Vihar, South Delhi. On weekends, more precisely on Sundays he heads north to spend some time with his brother and his 5 year old nephew. He hopes for bigger things for his nephew and for his own children once he gets married. The drive halted at that point of the conversation, one-way conversation. He paid the driver, exchanged smiles and headed up to his home.

A few knocks on the door, a surprised reaction, 4-5 steps to his bed and he was dead. He felt so exhausted by this simple exercise. What made it all worse was the inability to sleep or rest properly. He went in and out of sleep through half the day. A huge cooler was brought in by his brother and friend. An electrician-cum-plumber came in and fixed the kitchen light and the kitchen tap which had been dripping for ages. The electrician-cum-plumber also diagnosed the silence of the door bell as well. It needed a new bell. Thereafter the consciousness started to slip out and all he remembered was flashes of his friend and his brother going in and out of the bathroom.

The Evening:

The phone rang loud. He thought why no one was picking it up when it should have been done so ideally since it was his dream. It went silent and he was relieved that he could manipulate his dreams and remain there undisturbed for some more time. The phone rang again. This time it felt much louder. Few rings later he was up from his sleep and reached for the phone. It was his brother calling him up from office about his sister. She wasn’t at home. He told him. He got up and found the door locked from outside and knew that she had gone out somewhere nearby. Shoes and newspapers and clothes were spread around the house, on the bed and on the floor. He felt a sudden pang of hunger and went through the contents of the fridge. Biscuits, cookies, bread, last night’s leftovers, so much option to choose from. Instead he took few sips of coke and a cookie.

Soon the TV was on. There wasn’t anything interesting coming on any of the channels except for a movie which he had caught the first hour of the night before. While he was watching the Spanish thriller ‘King of the hill’ (El Rey De La Montaña), his sister came back. She had a plan of meeting a friend for dinner. He watched the movie while surfing other channels in between breaks. She soon got ready and left around 7pm. After a while he went to his room and went online trying to find someone or something interesting to while away his time. Outside the rain had begun its play. Completely unaware of the of it, he just surfed through his mails and some interesting websites. One was interestingly titled, ‘Shorts’, not about the wearable shorts but about short films, one of his areas of interest. The site gave details about short film competitions and synopsis of several shorts from around the world. He also stumbled upon some cool blogs.

The Night:

The sound of the rain reached his ears and he got up to check if it really was raining. It had been a dry spell for several weeks now even though the monsoon was supposed to set in way before. When he reached the balcony, the sight just overwhelmed him. The whole street below to as far as he could see was waterlogged. People who were moving about had to wade through almost knee-deep water. There was no way anyone could come to his house without soaking their feet or shoes and pants. He had just recovered from cold and as much as he wanted to he decided not to revel in the rain drops. So, it was back to some more internet surfing and browsing through some other cool sites. After almost an hour of doing so, he relented to his ‘rain-call’ and got up and going. Changed into his shorts and a vest, locked the door and climbed up to the terrace. Standing at the exit door of the terrace he felt the few drops of rain splatter on his face. Soon he was out soaking himself in the rain. But it was too cold and he felt his body shiver, so he decided to get back in and just watch it from the door. He really didn’t want to get sick. As it is he had already fallen sick today.

He dried himself up the first thing he got back into the house. While he was doing so someone knocked on the door. It was Julia, his two-time ex-girlfriend. They had first dated around a year back. Three weeks later they were off each other and were hardly seen or heard talking about the other. No one knew why they broke up. Her friends thought he was too poor in bed. His friends thought she was a man-eater, which of course they secretly liked her for but hated her guts in front of him. This was at his first work place. After six months they met together at a common friend’s engagement party. They re-connected again. She had just broken up with her boyfriend. He had just lost his job. They began seeing each other again pretty soon after that night. Just a week back they had broken up again. Tonight she was here at his doorstep, water dripping off her hair, soaking wet and cold. He got her a towel to wipe herself dry and also offered his sister’s tracks and pullovers to keep her warm. She didn’t say much at all. In fact she had not even spoken once since she came inside. He tensed up a bit feeling her presence near him. They were both lovers of rain and had shared some great moments including their first kiss in the rain. He was seeing her off after office and it had started raining. He tried to persuade her to take shelter but she told him to just keep on walking. They laughed and walked and enjoyed the rain. They had to pass through a narrow lane to get to the bus stand on the other side. It was deserted today because of the rain. He held her hand. She didn’t resist. He came close. His lips touched hers and parted soon, as the sound of the car horn startled them both. They both laughed aloud. The car was now visible. A silver Hyundai Santro was approaching from around the corner. It took a left and passed them by.

She had changed into the dry clothes. He offered her warm tea. She sat down on one of the beds in the sitting room. He had no chairs or tables. The two rooms had two beds each for the four occupants. She took few sips from her cup, then after a long sigh said thanks to him. He just nodded and smiled. She then told him she had come to meet her friends and on her way back wanted to drop in to see how he was doing but the sudden rain forced her to wait for a long time as her auto got stuck in the traffic jam. She got all wet thanks to her auto breaking down just at the end of the road from his house. She had played it safe, but still managed to get drenched in a matter of 40 seconds running to his place. He wanted to ask her what was so urgent or important that it couldn’t wait for another day. But he didn’t. She continued. She talked about the weather, his sister’s visit, her shifting to GK-I from Noida and other random things. In between this he got a call from his sister asking him if he could arrange for a cab to pick her up since due to the rain there was a rush for autos and she was unable to get through the cab agency. He dialed the cab number but there was a long waiting list on the line. He was number 40. So, he hung up. The rain had slowed down a bit by now. He told her that he might have to go and pick up his sister if a cab cannot be arranged soon. She seemed worried. His phone rang again. It was his sister again. He told her that the line was busy. She said the same to him. He then told her to wait there, and he will come pick her up. He apologized to Julia who disregarded it saying she was on her way out herself since it had almost stopped raining. He offered to see her off and without waiting for a reply rushed inside to change. She felt uneasy throughout their walk to the auto stand some three minutes away. They walked silently. He asked the driver if he would go to GK-I and after bargaining for the rate gestured her to get in. She hesitated a bit then sat inside. She thanked him for everything and told him she would soon return the clothes. ‘It’s okay. No hurry. Anytime.’ The driver started the engine. He moved back a little but she held his hand. They looked at each other. He pressed her fingers. They softly smiled. The auto took off. Their hands parted. She waved her hand and smiled wide. He waved his hand and smiled back at her.

WHY DID HIS HEART FEEL SO BAD?

The night grew longer in a slow progression of deep, unknown, inescapable sadness. He had no clue why he felt that way. The morning, the afternoon and most part of the evening was pretty bright and sunny to speak of. He felt so ill-equipped to deal with the sudden rush of emotions in him. Why so instantaneously he felt so depressed and so sad, he had no idea. But at that very moment all he could do was just sit still and let the emotion take complete control. Neither had he contemplated the spell of depression to come visit him without any warning at all, nor was he prepared for tears that filled his eyes. He sat there long and motionless except for the tears rolling down from his cheeks.

Trying to reason what was happening to him, he dug deep within his heart and mind, hoping to find something or the other that might have triggered his outburst. There was nothing that happened during the day that could have caused it. In fact life was going smoothly for the past few months for him. It would be utterly inappropriate for someone with such a smooth running life to cry like a baby out of nowhere. He laid out the cards in front of him. Family - it wasn't the best but it was not so bad either. He had his problems and so did the rest of the family but there wasn't anything extraordinarily depressing about it. Friends - he had always been lucky when it came to friends, there was no reason at all to complain. Job - he had pretty much changed the course recently and was happy to be following his heart and trying out something new. It was a new experience and he was coping with the change quite well. 'What then?' he kept on thinking hard.

Everything said and done, he did not feel the worth of his life at all. It was as worthless as anything could be. There was nothing that could make him say there was something valuable when it came to his life. He could not find anything at all. Maybe it was this feeling that made him lose control somehow. It must have been the slow progression of feeling worthless about everything about himself through the years that caused the sadness and the tears. 'It surely must have been,' he thought.

The moment he thought he had the answer, he was back to reality, lying in sweat on his bed. It was still dark outside. The dawn was still to break. He slowly got up from his bed and walked to the living room, opened the refrigerator and drank some water from the bottle. Then he walked out into the balcony and spreading his hands on the railings, just stood looking at the wide expanse of concrete in front of his eyes. After a while, the first lights slowly began to show itself from behind the buildings to his far left. The sun rose in sometime. It was his first sunrise in months.

Staring at the sun, he smiled. He then closed his eyes, took a long deep breathe and stepped inside. He knew then and there that his life was headed for some major changes. Even though he was still unsure about a lot of things, there was a burst of positive energy within him.

THIS IS IT... GOODBYE MICHAEL JACKSON...

This is it. It finally has sunken in that you are really gone. It was just few days back when I heard from my boss one morning that you had died of a heart attack. I was shocked. I have never really been a fan, in the correct usage of the word. My life has never been revolved around your songs or albums. Still I was shocked to hear the news. You had in all these years become this figure/personality who I thought, and perhaps everyone else too, would never die. Someone for whom there was no life or death. You were beyond that. And then to hear the news that you are dead was unbelievable, to say the least.

Since then, I have been going back to your songs and your music videos. It was during this period of re-discovery that I realised, I wasn't unaffected by you. My life had been touched in some way or the other by you and your songs. That is when I realised the greatness of you as an artist. To touch the lives of even those who never really bothered to buy your CDs or fight to get tickets to your concerts. That is what a great artist is all about.

My earliest memories are of the days when I would help my sister rehearse for a group song she was to perform during our school's annual function. It was 'Heal The World'. The strength of the song and weight of the words went beyond the wisdom of the little boy then. But since then, I have often heard the song and wondered at the simplicity of putting across a message with such honesty and care.

Thanks to MTV and Channel-V and in recent years VH1, I have been exposed to many more of your songs and videos. Most leave me completely speechless. I haven't really stopped to think and listen carefully to you but now I do. I have heard many say that one should not wait for death to come for someone to really appreciate the person when he was alive. But I guess that's how it's been in my case.

I witnessed your memorial service today. I witnessed those who cared for you say their goodbyes to you. I witnessed other great artists pay their respects and tribute to you and your life. Sitting in my living room, and watching it on TV, I realised it wasn't just the ones who were there but there were many more, all around the world who would have felt a pain in their hearts. An indescribable pain of not really having known you in real or to have seen you perform on stage. And no matter how well they may have lived their life, a space now has been created for regret to reside, knowing they were a part of an era when you lived yet failing to see you.

The world had gathered to say goodbye to you. But for me, it is only the beginning of getting to know you more. To understand your music and your words. For words and music may seem just mere letters or mere notes sometimes, but you know it all too well, they sure can make a BIG difference.

Here's to you! May you be blessed forever. It is a pleasure to really know you...

TO APPRECIATE LIFE FOR WHAT IT IS

It's when the bubble burst that I realised, I hadn't cried for long...
It's when the world crumbled that I realised, I wasn't so strong...

To know that nothing is perfect was the wisdom...
But I held on to the illusion of 'Perfection'...
illusion that filled the void in my life...
the void of unsettling dreams and uprooted relations...

As I step out and see what lies in front of me...
and truly feel the emotions within me...
I know I am not as prepared as I had thought I was...
and my mind's not as clear, it has its doubts...

The unexpected overwhelms me... and emotions have no rein on them...
What was guarded has been let loose...
What was shielded now lay broken...

But in all of these I have come to realise something else too...

The need to appreciate life for what it is..

to not be ashamed of it and hide it under cover..
cover of pretense and false strength...
to not just pretend to live and go through the motion...
but to truly see it and live it too, with all our hearts!!

TO HAVE MY DANCE

Sitting in a corner of a crowded room, with beautiful people all around, hugging and kissing each other, dancing to the songs blasting off the speakers... lights and shadows playing tricks with the faces I strain to recognise...

I am not uninvited but still I am unattended... I am not searching for someone... or feeling uncomfortable in my place or my skin... I have my thoughts and my ideas to pass me my time... to while away this moment for a lasting one that may follow... but whose promise may not be kept as well...

I am just staring blank... not looking at anyone in particular... a blur in view and a blur in my heart... I wish I could feel the feeling in me or touch the hands of the one whose face I cannot see... I wish I could see clearly the one who's playing this lovely melody in my heart... I wish I could know who is the one who is making me dance... while I sit in a dark corner of a room full of people with too loud music...

Someday when you come to me... I know I too will have my dance...

TO KNOW YOU'RE STILL FERTILE!!

It's a good feeling to know that you are still fertile and capable. And I don't mean in terms of the biological/parenting kind of way. Not that I am or was infertile or incapable that way either! (Clarifications are always better, you know!) When I say fertile, I mean fertile in thoughts and ideas and capable of putting those thoughts and ideas into properly woven pieces.

When you have been doing things that remotely or never really had any connection whatsoever to something you always had a special fondness for in your life, you tend to question if at all the fondness is justified at all. A part of you begin to wonder if you are even capable at all. I have always had a fascination for writing, but my work was never really helpful in nurturing it. If at all, it somehow widened the gap of confidence in my work and my writing. I began to feel more in control and in command of the task at hand. I did well in my work. At the same time, my writing which was at a nascent stage, didn't really get proper nurturing and was almost always neglected. The guilt of not doing enough slowly turned into frustration. Although I changed jobs, but it seemed well and fine only in the beginning. Things became the same all over again. Frustration was all around and it spilled over onto other aspects of my life.

I'm glad that I quit before it took complete control of my life and everything else I have cared enough to build for so long. But the question still remained, what was I suppose to do that would not take me to the same abysmal low again. Like any other time in my life, the road just guided me to where I am resting today. I am feeling at home now. I am not sure if it is the initial phase of welcoming everyone receives or the happiness is purely based on business with me being labeled as a means of profit-making. Or am I truly home?

Lately, I have been feeling the dampness in my mind's ground, a sign of a shower again in the long-barren land! I can feel seeds of thoughts and ideas sprouting in some hidden crevices of my mind. Maybe the garden will be able to come to life this time and not wither away before the first few flowers have even appeared like it did before.

Lately, I can sense my mind's showing the signs of fertility... Lately, I can feel I am capable again...

LAWS OF ATTRACTION!

If I knew the laws of attractions, I'd find it easier to cope with my heart's embarrassing thoughts upon meeting a stranger I connect with on so many levels. I'd leave the right impression; speaking the apt words and making the right moves. I'd build the stories and bring it to an end of happy togetherness. But if I really connect well with the person, do I really need to do any of these at all? It would all flow smoothly and quite naturally, won't they? So, why then would one seek to find ways to attract someone? Magazines and Television shows guiding you on how to follow your own heart yet giving you rules to abide by in order to get hooked with the right person out there for you. How do they know what's in your heart when even you fail to understand it most of the times? How do they know which one's the 'right' one for you when even you didn't have any luck in finding the one? You may say, it is because we don't understand our hearts that we let others take charge and guide us. You may say because we are too demanding and less objective when it comes to the 'right' one, we need someone who can view the both of us individually and together to judge if we are right for each other. But aren't we suppose to know ourselves? Aren't we suppose to figure it out ourselves and learn from the process? I mean how can we ever evolve or grow as a person if we let others run our lives for us, huh? It is strange that we trust strangers with our hearts but not ourselves. I guess, it's always better to blame it on others when things don't work out, isn't it?

Some things are however universal when it comes to attraction. It can either be 1) an instant physical attraction which may or may not last enough to build into something more or 2) a slow process of getting to know the person and be left completely mesmerised by all that you discover. Now whether it turns into a relationship or whether the relationship is successful and so on and so forth, are something even the experts cannot predict with sure-shot accuracy. But does it really matter at all? Isn't the idea to just enjoy the moment, the rush of emotions and the sudden yet expected excitement? So, is this to say that I am enjoying the process of this attraction? Let me put it in a different way. I will tell you an incident that just happened earlier tonight.

I was using a knife and watching something on TV but my thoughts were neither focussed on what was coming on screen or on what I was doing with the knife. I was lost in something else altogether. I was lost in someone's thoughts. It took a pain to bring me back to what I was doing. I had cut myself. I cursed myself but then I smiled. I wondered then why some pain can give so much pleasure! Am I still smiling? What do you think? :-)