RED AND WHITE

If you thought the post is going to be about the Red and White bravery awards then sorry to disappoint you, it is not. The Red and White here do stand for the colours, but in which forms and in what context is what I am going to discuss here. I should probably go about it chronologically, after all that is the acceptable order almost every time. But I feel different and experimental now so I will start in reverse order.

Red had made its impact on me about a month ago. It came to me at a time when I had given up on ever finding it, no matter if it was on borrowed time. Now, holding it in my hands for real, knowing it won't be returned or held by thousands of other hands gives me a sheer high. To receive something you have longed and searched for, in the form of a gift is a humbling experience. It's a reaffirmation of your faith that if you truly want some things, they surely do come true. Honesty of the wish and the believe in its realisation can do wonders.

Orhan Pamuk had introduced himself to me when he was delivering his speech, emotional and soul-stirring. He struck me deep somewhere inside of me. It irked me. I felt he was intruding my personal space. I had since then avoided looking through him. However it is not to say that he didn't intrigue me. He did. Enormously. That's one reason why I have gone around snooping through his creations. Now to finally own one gives me an immense high! I do realise that it would mean much more and would be truer if I dealt with what had struck and irked me about him and learned a lesson or two from it. Then perhaps I'll be able to write something that's even a fraction as fine and as remarkable as 'My Name Is Red'.

White had a different purpose altogether. It wasn't known to me personally just like Red wasn't but unlike Red I had not been in the quest to find it. It came to me just like that. I was glad I had it's company to keep me light-headed and in an entertaining mode through my first experience of a book launch. Did I say a book launch? Well, better not to go there. First impression was trying to make an impression out of the experience. A restro-bar filled with literati or wannabe literati all with their backs to the entrance. A female and a male voice could be heard in conversation inside the overtly congested room, which welcomed another three souls, vying for a space to stand proper. After the initial feeling of disorientation, things started to make some sense. And the voices found their faces as well. A short-haired, thin woman of average height dressed elegantly in a saree, the author of the book being launched, was in conversation with a bespectacled, french bearded thin man in a blazer (in this summer??), an already published and renowned author. Their conversation was brief, followed by a reading from her book. And then the bar was thrown open. So, White wine it was for me following my friend's choice. It was succeeded by an orange juice and then by a pineapple juice with several servings of snacks in between each sip.

White made the head a little breezy or dizzy, whichever way seemed apt for you. Its help was not needed for words to flow but it did led to better reactions. The three heads had some trouble with their respective heads, which made the conversation all the more interesting. It would be about less than an hour later, when the three would be laughing and talking better sense than what prevailed at that moment. And Red would lay waiting at some corner of a narrow lane, before coming to me.

SLEEP'S SWEET EMBRACE

A sleepy morning is not really the best way to begin your day. But when the sleep is long overdue, it may be the only remedy to cure the morning of its inauspicious start, eh? A nocturnal being can hardly keep his eyes open in the morning. Not that he hasn't slept but the sleep was broken in pieces too early for the sun to rise and too late for the lullaby. It's a wait for the sleep to walk right back into the drowsy and dreamy rooms, weave some dreams if day-dreaming is allowed and ring the warning bell before the day's over. Still no sign of it, as yet. I'll wait and see who wins, the sleepy legged being or the worn-out master in waiting.

What all was achieved in the meantime? Surely the hours in between must have been surreal to say the least; to not be awake completely but to not dream away either. Did the consciousness lose its control and slide down into the sub-conscious? Or are you as normally aware of everything around you as you would in a normal state of being awake? You do know who am I, don't know? I have spoken to you several times, more so on this very topic. I have been keeping a track of your actions and behaviour during this state of your mind for many years now. You always seem to forget, I know you more than you do yourself.

Played well with words in the meantime. Tired my eyes and my body looking at some random stories of a high school boy who wasn't at all cool but managed to succeed in the end somehow since he wasn't really a fool. Walked again through the terrain of love, lost and found again. Some wisdom that slowly arrived and some mistakes that swiftly passed by. All in all, I have done enough to tire myself waiting for the sleep to come. If only it knew, punctuality can be a virtue as well. I cannot blame it though, for it has lost too much out of time.

I'm hoping as I narrate this tale to you, it reads me or hears me out and comes running to me. Togetherness is always better than tiresome loneliness. Hope to see you soon. When you do, try and make no noise at all. Don't utter a word or produce a sound. Come to me silently and lull me in your sweet embrace.

DISCONNECTED!!

Agreed that technology enhances communication. But disrupted technology leads to disrupted communication; interrupted thoughts and broken chain of conversations. Logging in to my account I was on a look out for friends to chat online, and was really glad to find some good friends with whom I had not conversed for quite some time. The conversations began and we soon began chatting in our own trademark style; a dash of fun, a little teasing and a whole lot of information. Just then the internet gets disconnected. Once was okay and understandable but it happened again and again, especially after we had somehow picked up the pace and got chatting in our usual rhythm again. Finally I decided to end it and swiftly said goodbyes before it got disconnected again. Thus, the earlier excitement of finding a long lost friend and picking up from where we had left faded all too soon. But there is no denying that it was fun to have met my friend online. The experience could have been better if the technology too like our enthusiastic minds responded with ease and uninterrupted flow.

Not just internet but sometimes, the automatic disconnection of a call during our telephonic conversation also kills the flow to a great extend. I have realised that after every 1 hour and 32-34 minutes the phone call gets disconnected and so I have to dial the number again and then reconnect from where we had left just a few seconds ago. It's tolerable and not a major problem at all, except when the call fails to get through again. Then it bugs me a lot. Redialing again and again ends in success most of the times but on rare occasions, the conversation as and when it was disrupted becomes its end. As with anything that sees an end all-too-sudden and completely unexpectedly, it doesn't give any good feelings to think about.

This is very much true in case of relationships as well. Any kind of relationship, if ended on an abrupt and sudden point, leaves an indelible mark in our psyche. There is a sense of something incomplete, of having no end or closure at all inside of us. That is precisely why, it is said that one should always end on a good note. Even if it may not be the perfect ending or in the way that one would have wished it to be, an amiable end makes it easier to go on with our lives. At least regret, guilt or bitterness don't occupy our hearts and minds; and if they still reside, the intensity of its effect becomes a lot milder.

I haven't had much luck with the positive endings. Most of the ends in my life have left me incomplete in some way or the other, as if some part of me has ceased to be mine any longer and is revolting its residence in me. When I don't give in to its rebellious demands it brings along regret and guilt to let me let go off it. I still struggle to keep it in peaceful existence and at some moments when it has gone as far beyond as it could, I feel as disconnected as possible. Sometimes it is good to feel and be disconnected but not when you are aiming otherwise.

COMFORTABLE CONVERSATIONS

Conversations are for most part better if it is carried out face to face rather than through any other medium. It makes things seem more real and the interaction seem more genuine. The instant reaction you can get to see on the person's face, their body language and all, leave very less scope for deception. So, would this mean that other conversations, like those through letters, emails, smses or telephone are less genuine? Not necessarily. There are those who find the external disturbances and influences during a face-to-face conversation discomforting when a private tête-à-tête is not possible. So, they prefer talking over the phone or writing smses and mails to each other. Even with the possibility of a person-to-person meeting, some still opt for conversations over the phone. They are able to express more explicitly when there's no tension or worry involved about how to act or behave physically during a conversation. They can sit at ease at home or wherever they feel at home without thinking about how they would be judged and so can converse more freely.

I have always preferred talking in person rather than through any other means. But if it is with a new person, it would not be hard for the person to figure out that I may be a little uncomfortable. I take time to find my comfort zone with someone new. It takes a few conversations to figure out if there is a scope for connecting with the person. If I do connect then depending on how we connect, the person will fall into one of my pre-concluded comfort zones. With a friend, it is very different. I would just somehow switch into one of my zones. It's a completely different comfort level altogether with a very close friend. It doesn't matter if it's in person or over the phone or any other medium. The conversations go on for hours and hours. They may be as trivial as the weather or too deep into philosophy and the mysteries of life. The comfort level just flows with ease.

Then there are those friends too with whom, despite having a great comfort level in person, conversations over the phone seem to yield a much better understanding of each other and strangely a greater comfort level as well. I have connected in this way to very few friends. And have spent nights and nights conversing endlessly about almost everything that affected both of our lives individually. One knows and understands different things about the person, more so since when one is completely comfortable things just flow out naturally. Of course there would still be a slight pause or a minute long silence, but it would not be the end of it at all. I have found out something unique or wacky about friends, like when they can sing uninhibitedly or make funny/silly noises in disapproval over the phone. I have surprised my friends as well, since they didn't know that when I do get talking sometimes I can keep going on and on to the point of irritation. Although it doesn't happen very often. Rarity of a thing somehow qualify for it being special most of the times. Not that this quality is a speciality!

No matter which medium we employ, the point is to put across what we want to say. If we are able to say it in the best way possible using whichever medium then conversations for most part is successful albeit the listener has taken the right cues and pointers from what was being said in the first place. Understanding is the key to a great conversation. And a great conversation makes relationships work at a better level too. It can be really therapeutic as well sometimes: takes the load off our minds, gets our brains ticking and gives us a fresh new perspective.

LOVE STORIES...

We have all gone through our share of falling in love and heartbreaks in our lives. It may be 'not-so-seriously' serious high school crushes or the infatuations we had when we were young or something completely life changing. When we look back, years later at our high school 'love affairs', we tend to look at it in a more objective way. We have the bigger picture in front us and we see how we were and how we had acted at those times; feeling stupid or completely embarrassed just by the thought of it. Or becoming all too nostalgic and wishing things were different. Whichever way, they did play an important role in shaping our future relationships, despite it being childish or silly in a way. It surely didn't seem so back then.

The plot of our love story then was simple, in a way. First we would find someone with whom we developed a connection. If we do connect well then we try to understand and figure out if it's just on a friendly level or more. Are we compatible enough on various levels? Do I see more going for it than just friendship? If the answer is yes then another hurdle on the way is to find out if the feeling is mutual. It's time for the top ten heartbreak songs, if the answer is no. Or hit the play button and listen to the classic 'falling-in-love' songs if it is yes.

Somehow relationships become a bit more complex as we grow up. The innocence of the child-like love or crushes takes a backseat as the ride gets rougher and tougher. The basis of love remains the same: To find someone whom we love and to be loved in return. The process of finding that someone and the possibility of that person returning our love become very blink as with age our priorities change, our needs differ and our expectations too undergo some changes.

There are so many different factors that affect our falling in love and what we do with that emotion in us. Sometimes we hear what it says and at other times we ignore it. Sometimes we believe in it but stop ourselves from giving it a life outside of our hearts, knowing very well it will amount to nothing at all. There are times when our own restraints and others' restrictions that lay ahead are reason enough for us to kill it right at the beginning.

And when we do love and show it as well, and we are loved in return, it may be the 'happily-ever-after' end of a fairy tale. But real life is different, that is why we feel so much more when it's real. The trials and tribulations of love never ends, not after the confession of love, not after the union or marriage, and certainly not after the first anniversary or the first child. It's a lifelong process and there are mistakes galore. How we deal with the mistakes and the shortcomings in each other is what would make the love last longer or end right at that moment of the mistake erupting into an uncompromisable difference. Whether it's infidelity or hunger for power or money or someone better or we simply fall out of love... there are too many 'more-than-happy' roadblocks during the journey. How we cross them decides how lasting our love is.

The journey sees no end in a way. Those who have never been in love, wish to fall in love. Even those who may despise the very mention of love being frustrated by the idea of not having found it. Those who have loved, wish for the love to last long enough to hear the wedding bells. And those who have exchanged their vows, long for a happy and ever-lasting married life. Those who have been married for years wish they have a great family life and their respective spouses remain faithful and in love with them always. And for those who have been married for years and have seen their children grow up, wish for the love to remain the same and to be together till the end. Many fear too that they do not fall out of love with each other. For many it is the same cycle of falling in and out of love, the heartbreaks and all, when they live those very moments through the lives of their children. Only this time they have the wisdom to share, but the youth, alas! would have no patience to hear!

We never learn to love completely. Only the love of those are complete who have ceased to live. Perhaps that is why the great love stories in every culture are of those who once lived. In death their love was complete. If they'd have lived, who knows some divorce attorney would have made huge load of money! Given that they lived in today's times, of course!

(Disclaimer: Love as discussed here refers to love of romantic nature only)

THE ART OF PAINTING

Oh no, no... don't go by the title of the post. I'm not going to write an essay on the art of painting or discuss about the evolution of painting as an art through the ages. I'm just going to talk about my attempt at wielding the paint brush and how I think I have fared.

I have had strong inclination towards pictures since the time I was a young boy. The idea of a picture whether it was a photograph or a painting or a sketch... intrigued me a lot. They seem to tell a story. If through a photograph a moment that was lived was relived again, the brush strokes and the mix of colours made paintings exciting to me. With a sketch it was more like conveying things through shades of black and gray. I have always been sketching since I was a kid. So, you can say my world is more of black and gray. It is only recently that I started experimenting with colours and paints. But the interval of time in between each experiment hasn't helped in honing my skills at all, if any.

My first attempt was a surprising success... I had no brush or proper colours. My sister had bought some fabric crayons for herself, which had not been put to use at all. So I took out my drawing pad late one night. Tore off the sponge from my discarded shoes and used it to dip the colours. That's how I began my first painting. It turned out nice. I painted the photographs of two actors which was printed in colour effects, with shades of yellow, orange, red and black. Since it was turned out good it took months to start painting again. I didn't know if I could do well again. Fear of failure becomes more prominent when you have tasted success before.

But after almost 2 years, I did it again. This time in a more professional way. I bought the canvases, the brushes, the colours and oil. It is another story that all these remained untouched for months after being purchased. So, how did I fare this time around? I had all the right tools but still it lacked something or the other. It is like a painting for the sake of painting. That's the worst kind of anything. To do it just for the sake of doing... without any heart or soul.

What is still good about it is that at least I know how and where I am wrong. I need to develop more control over the strokes of the brush and the tone of the colour I use, how to differentiate the light from the shadow, the deep from the surface and the near from the far. In another words I seriously need to learn a lot! To try and experiment till I get it right. That's what makes the process of learning interesting, isn't it?

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW ME?

Social networking sites do keep you busy once you are logged in, in case you enjoy playing some random quizzes and games besides catching up with what all is going on in your friends' lives. Just yesterday I logged in to my Facebook account and found out this new quiz, "How Well Do You Know Me?". It allows one to asks one's own questions and comes with a set of questions for some help and guidance.

So, I formed my questions and figured most may get it right. It seemed easy. But there was a doubt too, what if they didn't? Would it really matter? No, not as drastically as it sounds. It would be a little disappointing, considering the fact that I have a close circle of friends and I can count them on my fingers. I don't expect others to get it right but at least this set of friends should.

Then again, why such expectations at all! Only what we reveal can be known by others around us. So, if I never said or shown my interest in a thing or even talked about those very things, then would they even be able to know? I don't think so. Maybe some would have guessed it, knowing how I am as a person and putting logic (or my illogical nature) to work.

Even so, what we are and how we are, how we reacted and how we do now... are things that change with time... they change with the changes in the person, their thinking, their likeness and dislikes.. so it can never really account to much. If the quiz tests the knowledge of the people around with questions purely based on facts... such as date of birth, the name of the school and so on.. it may then be fair to all.

But a quiz like this, would be boring to say the least. It would be like the 'learning-by-heart' kinda system of education we still have in the country. And the one who wins will be the one good with dates and numbers and names. So, if someones goes through my records, they may very well turn out to be the person who knows me the best! Leaving behind all the friends with whom I have shared hours and hours of random conversations about almost everything in life.

What would make it exciting? When you throw the obvious with not-so-obvious. The 'maybe' and 'may not be' and answers which may confuse, since it may all be the right one. The deal is to figure out which one is the most right!

Still waiting to find out how my friends fare in this test... and have a hearty time going through the answers... after all such quizzes are meant to be enjoyed, aren't they?