Never Underestimate Your Past

In moments when I've found myself utterly confused and utterly in doubt my past has revealed to me a sight I had not seen while living through the moments long gone. Maybe it's the growth in us as a person or more precisely the changes we have undergone which gives a whole new meaning to what had been and a new, different perspective to our old eyes. I'm in no way saying that the solutions to our present lies exclusively in our past. But for most part, speaking from personal experience it has always helped me in ways I could not have thought of. I have found the roots to some of my problems by tracing it to my past. The experiences I have gone through and the people I have met somehow give me the clues if not the answers to questions that troubled me in my recent past. I am also in no way saying that only solutions lay in our past. More often than not there are more confusion and more doubts lurking around in our past than in our present. Nothing loves chaos more than the present. And when the present stumbles its way into the confused past, the effect can be rather drastic and dramatic.

It is impossible I think to deal with all the problems and issues of the present moment at those precise moments, leaving nothing left to be resolved or sorted out. If we could be so organized, quick-witted and far-sighted life would be simply put, quite simple. But we all know it isn't possible and such theories, rather ideas are just good to make us feel good. They serve no other purpose. Because we take time to solve our problems, if at all we are able to figure them out in the first place, the past always remains a territory we often have to visit to lead a more sensible/sane present. This reminds me of how my sister always told us to move clutters away from the house, to make things organized and give more space for the room to breathe. I guess it is the same with our lives. When the past is cluttered and the present is seeking more space there is no other way to do so without cleaning up the mess and trying to clear our past.

I have had to face several such circumstances. I won't say I'm proud of how I have dealt with most of them. Many times, I have just resorted to ignoring the problem altogether and turning a deaf ear to all the pleas of the voices of my past. But there have been times when I've been overwhelmed by it all and completely broken down. Times when I've fallen to pieces and then after the tears, recollected them all, putting them to their places. The collected calm after a breakdown, the peace in one's heart is something else altogether! That doesn't mean one needs to go through a breakdown to feel that peace. What I don't like about dealing with the past, its many twisted turns and hidden alleys is not the uncertainty of it ever being resolved, but the fear of getting lost in them. I mean give me a cluttered and messed up room any day! I can pick the piles of dirty clothes up and soak them overnight and wash them in the morning. I can dust the speakers, the tables and the computers. I can sweep the floor and mob them later. I can do all these and while humming a song or shaking a leg or two as well... But I have no clue how to clean up my past, how to resolve the unanswered and the mysterious confusions, how to deal with the onslaught of the emotions that almost always follows such endeavors.

But now I am dealing with some monsters, some clutters and some mess of my past. I have taken the first few steps. I have ventured into the darkness. I am now climbing down one step at a time, holding on to the railing of my present that links to my past. My faith and believe, guiding my steps down the stairway. I am hoping to find my home. I am hoping it welcomes me just the way I am. I hope it breathes some life into me and tells me 'It's okay, you just go there and live.'