Learning To Let Go, Learning To Live

What do we do when we know our lives are not what it was suppose to be? But what exactly are our lives suppose to be? For a fact, we know that this or that is what we want to be doing or what we want to achieve… a good job, a great house, a car, nice little family, etc… etc… How do we define the lives that we are supposed to be living? Is there a picture or an image of how everything, every little detail of our lives, would be pieced together? Can there be a moment or a series of moments where we can feel and see and experience the lives that we know we want to be living? Is there even something called a life we are supposed to be living? Isn’t all these only a figment of our imagination, our dreams, our hopes, our perspectives, our ideals of how things should be?

I guess the whole idea is to let go of the ‘idea’ itself… of letting go of trying to control everything in our lives, and start appreciating them for what they are… even when they are lost, being thankful for their presence however short their stay might have been, then letting go… moving on… with no excess baggage… how on earth do you expect to take another step forward if you haven’t even lifted your foot from where it was before on the ground? You need to lift it up, completely, to be able to move on and continue…

To just give in to what you feel at the moment… we plan, we think, we envision… but the best moments are those where we just surrender to them, and live them…

Rules may be important, but when it comes to a life… remember there is nothing better than having no rules at all… life can never be closed… it’s open… give it the freedom it needs… let it be free… and then perhaps you will see, you are no longer tied up anymore yourself…

The Cherry Blossom - Short Story

A narrow lane to the right from the main road leads straight to his house. On the other side of the road opposite the lane stands an old Cherry Blossom tree. Sipping on a warm cup of tea, watching the sun rise on a cold winter day from his balcony, he could not help but marvel at its pink blossoms. He silently greeted the old friend who had grown so much since the last time he saw it. He knew it would be thinking the same thing about him. Seven years is a long time. He was now standing on the same land he once called his home, only difference was that it was a house newly constructed. He was happy to be where he was but his mind was restless.

Silently he conversed with the Cherry Blossom tree. They talked about the early days of their lives. He laughed as Cherry recollected how he would run with his school bag all the way home from the road, then come out to play without changing his clothes, his mother shouting at him to change his clothes from behind. Cherry further added how he would always be with his mother all the time, going for evening shopping for groceries with her and helping her carry it home. 'You were always the good son'. He sighed, 'I was' and emptied his cup of tea. He went in, kept the cup on the table and wrapped himself in a shawl. Cherry laughed saying that he had become weak now, needing protection from a little cold wind which never bothered him earlier. He smiled.

'Daddy!' a young boy of four came running towards him.

'Good Morning, dear! Is your mom up as well?'
'Yes, daddy.'

'Pradeep, come and brush your teeth and mom will make breakfast for you,' a young woman in her late 20s entered the room. Pradeep moved himself close to his daddy saying he would do it later. But he told him to go down with mom so that he could get ready and go shopping after breakfast. Pradeep hurried along excitedly with his mother.

Cherry looked pleasantly surprised by what he saw and heard. He told him that he had married the same year he left the town, with his college sweetheart. 'You mean Kusum? Cherry exclaimed! He nodded saying they were both working at the same place and so after a few months decided to get married. Pradeep was born the following year. He is adorable! Ya, he is. They were silent for a while.

He was trying hard not to remember the circumstances in which he had left the town. But in vain. Soon the past flashed before him in quick succession. The news of the accident. The funeral procession of both his parents. Relatives coaxing him to give them the charge of the property. His fights and arguments with them in the middle of his final exams. His crying over his loss and his loneliness, being the only child. Cherry saw his young friend's eyes watering up and said 'You have turned out quite well kid. They must be really proud of you.' Wiping off the tears, he looked up and smiled.

After his exams, he had taken up a part-time job with a magazine and later worked as a permanent staff for the same in Delhi. He had rented out two rooms in the house to manage his expenses since he did not want to touch the emergency funds his parents had left in his name. Two persons stood by him through it all, his eldest uncle and Kusum. Defying conventions she had stayed in his house for a month after the accident, even at the cost of constant arguments from her family. With time things took a better turn when they realised the two of them were serious about each other. After the result was out he was offered a permanent post for the same magazine but he would have to move to Delhi, the main office. He took up the post and left the house under the care of his uncle. Kusum decided to join him and applied at the same magazine. She was a topper and could have got a fine job in a much bigger company. So, it was no wonder that she was selected.

They soon settled down in Delhi. Work kept him busy enough to worry about anything else and having Kusum by his side helped a great deal. By November they had married in a temple, in a small ceremony attended by his uncle and Kusum's parents. With time they had build a support system of few good friends. A new family. A new life. The birth of Pradeep seemed to complete their world. However, it was not home as they knew it. Kusum knew he missed his home, the world where he came from even though he never showed any signs of discontentment. She could see it in his eyes, in moments when he would be lost in his memories. Signs only someone who knew him well like she did could see. One day she told him that they could start renovating the place with their savings and be home again. He was surprised and brushed aside the idea stating it would be difficult to start all over again since they have already settled well in Delhi. Kusum didn't give up easily and came out with plans to re-do the house, having a nice little balcony to see the sunrise in the morning, a colourful room for Pradeep and what not. Finally he gave in. Soon they involved his uncle and work was underway to reconstruct the house. After two years, they were now finally home.

As the sun shone brilliantly behind the Cherry Blossom, he knew he would have to end the conversation soon. The streets were no longer empty and soon it would be echoing the footsteps and laughter of school children, gossips and chats of the young and the old. He thanked Cherry with all his heart for sharing his life with him and hoped that he would continue to watch over the house which now builds a new home! Cherry smiled, shedding his pink blossoms.

Faking Life!

"I am looking at you and though it speaks nothing good about you, it does make me feel good that I can at least see clearly the lines time is drawing so generously on your brows. It's depressing to see the sorry state of affairs you are in. What a mess you have made out of your life. You must envy me, don't you? Still looking good and still popular. I bet you wish you had a life like mine! In your dreams, buddy! In your dreams!"

So, spoke a man one late morning, looking at the image of a man approaching his thirties in the mirror. It wasn't denial to him. It was his best defense mechanism against feeling pity or regret or guilt. What would acceptance reveal to him? There was too much hidden behind those eyes that had seen so much already. All the wrong choices would surface. All that was lost would come calling for few more tears from him and heart full of regrets would follow.All the dreams followed halfheartedly would complain of his lack of perseverance and faith in them. He knew he was more pitiable than those who lived life without making any attempts to hide their miseries. At least they were honest. He didn't have the courage to either accept his mistakes and take responsibility or face the consequences. However, feigning ignorance to it all added another day of hope to his life. It gave him the strength to live on and face the world again. It was the only way he had learned to survive. It was his only chance of starting anew, with a clean slate.

Confident and assured he would step out of his house. Long strides and a smile on his face. But a sinking feeling would occasionally make him go weak in the knees. He knew it was all a facade to cover up a meaningless existence he lead in the name of life.

TO SHAH RUKH KHAN, A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU... FROM JUST ANOTHER FAN

Dear Shah Rukh,

Every year on my birthday, I take a moment or few to look back at my life and count my blessings whether it's in the few things that I have been able to accomplish or in the form of family and friends who have made my life worth living. Every year on your birthday, I pray and hope that you are blessed with your loved ones and coming true of all your little and big dreams and thank you for all that you have done for me, without even realising it.

When people ask me why I like you so much and what is it about you and your films that make me love you, I'm at a loss of words. I have to admit I have not been one of your biggest fans, who would watch your films first day first show or buy all the magazines with your interviews in it or watch every single program featuring you as a guest or talking about you or fill my room with your posters and newspaper cuttings or be able to give every detail about your life starting from where you were born to how you reached where you are today. Yet, I still feel I am your biggest fan.

Even though my life hasn't been all that eventful, it has had some crucial turning points, bringing about some welcoming and some not-so-welcoming changes. And in those times, somehow or the other, you have played an important role in guiding me or making me see things in a different way. I don't remember all your lines in every film of yours, but I do keep in mind your views and thoughts in your interviews. It has helped me to cope with my own life's changes, however different the circumstances may have been.

I am not sure if one can measure how much the absence or the presence of a person in one's life can change the course of his life. Losing a loved one is not easy, this I am sure of. I cannot say if I have learned to cope with my mother's death, perhaps we hardly can no matter how much life moves ahead. Your words have somehow, I won't say reduced the pain but cushioned it to a great extend. Your words about how your mom is now seating on God's head and making sure nothing goes wrong for you. I was looking for some comfort and I found it in those words. Death is more about what is left behind than what is gone. Dealing with the life after, and believing there was life ahead was difficult. I have done okay, I guess. Even though nothing can fill the emptiness that overwhelms me, sometimes out of the blue and sometimes slowly taking over me.

I know how important it is to have dreams in one's life. To work towards making them come true. But I also know that seeing the coming true of our loved one's dreams can be equally if not more satisfying. I admire you for having achieved some of your dreams, working not against but together with all the odds in your life. I'm still lacking in determination and resolution in this department. If I find myself still holding on to them, is because I know it is worth it. I have never really dwelt much on success or failure. I believe the definition varies with each individual. A success or a failure in one's eyes is what really matters in the end.

By being your fan I have gifted myself the gift of immortality, to some extend. When I met my relatives from my village, after a long time, they told me that they missed me a lot when they saw your movie. That's when it struck me that you and your films will always remain even after you or me. All those who know me, whether my immediate family or other or friends and acquaintances, will remember me and miss me when they see your films or anything related to you. But a reminder may not always be a good thing. One ends up missing the other person so much more. I guess there's hardly anything that's perfect, least when it comes to emotions.

There's so much to achieve and so much more to do. I wish you all the luck or like my friend says, 'will' you all the luck in whatever you do. May happiness be with you and around you, wherever you go. God bless you.

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday!

With deepest gratitude and love,

Just Another Fan

LATA MANGESHKAR’S TOP 10 SONGS IN MY LIFE

The country celebrated Lata Mangeshkar’s 80th birthday on 28th September. Her name has become synonymous not just with music but a look at her career is like looking at an encyclopaedia of the history of music in Hindi films. Through her songs one can relate the various trends that have inspired the musical world, the several leading actresses who charmed the audience across the decades, the many talented music composers and the creative lot of wordsmiths.

The list was humungous. It was difficult to pin down on few songs from such a vast collection. The problem with compiling a 10 or 20 songs collection is that there will always be something worth mentioning in the list which would have not made it. My list however, is based solely on the significance of the songs in my life and how they have shaped some of my best memories.

• Maine Kaha Phoolon Se… Mili 1975, S D Burman, Yogesh

This was one of the songs mom really liked. She would hum it and we’d just look at her. She would tell us about the first time she had seen the movie and how she loved the song. Then finally we one day we got to see the movie ourselves along with her. It was a treat to see the movie. It was fun as well as sad kind of movie. I guess that’s how one feels after watching a Hrishikesh Mukherjee film.

'Maine kaha phoolon se hason to woh khilkhila ke hasdiye... aur ye kaha jeevan hai, bhai mere bhai hasne ke liye..'

• Tujhse Naaraaz Nahi Zindagi… Masoom 1983, R D Burman, Gulzar

This movie makes me cry every time I see it. The emotions were so innocently portrayed and how real they seemed, even to a young child. I have no recollection of the first time when I saw this movie. But I remember watching it several times. Once with the whole family and I was crying then. Recently I saw it with my brother and sister, I was crying even then. They were catching up on a lot other things, chatting while watching the film. I was completely engrossed in the movie and was trying to hide it but could help sobbing audibly. They looked at me, then at each other and sister remarked mockingly to brother – we’ve become emotionless! We all had a good laugh after that.

Shabana pulls a blanket over Rahul, lying on his bed after the police bring him back. He had run off when he found out about Shah being his real father. He looks up at Shabana and says sorry. Unable to control her emotions, she rushes out of the room and weeps uncontrollably… the song playing in the background in Lata’s voice just grips you.

'zindagi tere gham ne hamein rishtein naye samjhaye... mile jo hamein dhoop mein mile, chhao ke thande saaye...'

• Tu Jaha Jaha Chalega… Mera Saaya 1966, Madan Mohan, Raja Mehndi Ali Khan

The song first struck a chord with me when it was used in a Rajiv Gandhi AV on Doordarshan. The song was played in the background with shots of Rajiv Gandhi and his mother Indira Gandhi. I found it interesting and emotional – the idea that even though she is not alive, she’s still there with him at every step. It might have been a great marketing strategy for Gandhi, but it didn’t strike me then.

The song has in the recent past become more personal. Every time I hear it I’d feel this voice of assurance that my mom is still here with me. And if through the course of the song I felt sad and lonely... the following lines of the song would comfort me…

‘Tu agar udaas hoga, to udaas hungi main bhi… nazar awung ya na awung tere paas hungi main bhi…’

• Tu Kitni Achchi Hai… Raja Aur Runk 1968, Laxmikant-Pyarelal, Anand Bakshi

Papa used to buy cassettes, mostly old ones. But he was also tuned into the latest Hindi film songs as well. It was the time of Aashiqui and he would play it every morning to wake us up. He knew the songs by heart and would sing it in his own style, putting lots of expressions in the song as well as on his face. During those days he bought this new cassette with two films combo – Raja Aur Runk and Khilona. I still remember most of these songs and drive my friends crazy with songs like ‘Phirki Wale Tu Kal Phir Aana…’ and ‘Khush Rahe Tu Sada…’

Raja aur Runk had this particular song which was picturised on Nirupa Roy and a child artist. Lata was voicing for the little boy, singing praises of mother…

‘dookhan lagi hai maa teri ankhiyan... mere liye jaagi hai tu saari-saari ratiyan...
mere neendiyan pe apni neendiyan bhi tune vaari hai...

maa bachchon ki jaan hoti hai... woh hote hain kismet wale jinke maa hoti hai..
kitni sundar hai, kitni sheetal hai, nyaari-nyaari hai...

tu kitni achchi hai, tu kitni bholi hai… pyari, pyari hai, o maa…
ki yeh jo duniya hai, yeh ban hai kaaton ka, tu phoolwari hai…'

• Ichak Daana Beechak Daana… Shri 420 1955, Shankar-Jaikishen, Shailendra

This song from the film Shri 420 had a life of its own independent of the film in my life. I thought it was just a random song earlier; only recently I got to know it was from this film. My paternal grandmother was quite a lady! She still mystifies me even though it has been years since she passed away. She would visit us in Shillong if and when her health permitted. It was during one of these visits that the three of us – sister, brother and me – told her to narrate tales of her youth. My sister is very persuasive without being intrusive in her questions. She asked her about her childhood, about how she met Grandfather who died a year or two prior to our meeting, about the actors she liked and other interesting tales. She loved Mithoon a lot and if he was on TV there’d be no way we could change the channel. She would ask father or any one of us to translate what was being said. She was a very expressive woman and she would react to the movie like guys do while watching a sports match.

My sister then told her to sing a song. She said she really liked this song and she sang it a lot in her youth. Then she started singing the song, her eyes lit up, moving her hands to the song in a typical Manipuri dance movement.

‘Ichak daana, beechak daana… daane upar daana… ichak daana…’

She was a very stern, strict and authoritative lady to most. But to us she was this endearing, almost child-like woman, happy in spirit and soul. The moment has stayed with us.

• Milti Hai Zindagi Mein Mohabbat… Aankhen 1968, Ravi, Sahir Ludhianvi

It was time for the afternoon movie on Doordarshan. We all gathered around the TV. For most part it would just be the three of us – mom, sister and me. The movie was ‘Aankhen’ starring Mala Sinha and Dharmendra. I knew and liked Dharmendra but wasn’t really fond of Mala Sinha. This film is one exception where I really liked her a lot.

The song is the declaration of love by Mala Sinha to Dharmendra. He says no to her proposal and it would be years before they encounter each other. I didn’t understand much about how love worked then, not that I do now. But I felt this strange sense of wrong being done by Dharmendra for not accepting her love. With time as I hear the song again I marvel at the lyrics, so true.

• Bada Natkhat Hai Re… Amar Prem 1971, R D Burman, Anand Bakshi

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KngOTfCR7s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUqDjX-nvLw)

Despite the fact that I am neither fond of Sharmila Tagore nor Rajesh Khanna, this is one of my favourite films. I like the relationship of Sharmila and the child, the way it has been portrayed. The song comes at two points, one when the boy is still young and the second time when he comes back to the city, all grown up, married with a child.

‘Aa tohe main gale se laga loong… lage na kisi ki nazar, man mein chhupa loong…
Dhoop jagat hai re… mamata hai chhaiya…’

• Rajnigandha Phool Tumhare… Rajnigandha 1974, Salil Choudhary, Yogesh

The interest in the song is pretty recent. I know about the film but have not seen it as yet. After watching the movie, my sister became really fond of the flower Rajnigandha (tuberose) and would often buy it. So, the fondness for the song and the flower developed. It really is a fragrant flower. I have heard the song before and I really like the following part of the song…

‘aadhikaar ye jab se saajan kaa har dhadakan par maanaa maine
main jab se un ke saath bandhee, ye bhed tabhee jaanaa maine
kitanaa sukh hain bandhan mein…’

Lyric was penned by one of the most under-rated lyricists, Yogesh.

• Dekho Maine Dekha Hai… Love Story 1981, R D Burman, Anand Bakshi

There are some songs I associate with my parents. Dad is more outspoken and expressive compared to mom who is more the silent type. Dad would often sing songs to mom when we were all around, and we would associate those songs as our parent’s song. This was one of those songs, including the title track of another film ‘Prem Kahahi’. The lyrics of the song I had already learned by heart without even knowing what they meant at an early age. It’s quite a cute track if you can view yourself as a dreamer who is dreaming of a dream house with one’s lover!

• Zihaal-e-muskeen mukon ba-ranjish… Ghulami 1985, Laxmikant-Pyarelal, Gulzar

I haven’t seen the film. But I clearly remember the song and its video. Mithoon and Anita Raj atop a bus, the vast expanse of sandy Rajasthan, the folk singers… the rustic feel of the song, the rhythm and vocals…

They all came together to make this lasting memory, I can’t seem to erase. Not that I’m complaining. I like the rhythm of the song, the beats, and the feel of the song – a bit nostalgic and on the edge of romanticism…

‘Kabhi-kabhi shaam aise dhalti hai jaise ghoonghat uttar raha hai...
tumhare sine se uthata dhuwa hamare dil se guzar raha hai..

yeh sharm hai ya hayaa hai kya hai, nazar uthaate hi jhuk gayi hai
tumhaari palakon se girke shabnam, hamaari aankhon mein ruk gayi hai…

Zihaal-e-muskeen mukon ba-ranjish, bahaal-e-hijra bechara dil hai
sunayi deti hai jiski dhadkan, tumhara dil ya hamara dil hai’

There are several other great songs, which I am missing out on but I would like to add a few more of those songs which I tend to sing or listen to very often.

‘Najana kyun…’ from Chhoti Si Baat 1975, Salil Choudhary, Pradeep
I sung the song in my introduction class in my institute. It is another story that a friend tricked me into singing it in front of some 20 odd people! Such simple poetry and so true to life. Yogesh's lyrics again.

‘Ajeeb Daastaan Hai Yeh…’ from Dil Apna Aur Preet Parayee 1960, Shankar-Jaikishen, Shailendra
Most of the times, this song would be sung at the antaksharis that I played since my childhood days. The emotion of happiness and sorrow and the expressions on Meena Kumari's face. She wasn't called a Tragedy Queen for nothing.

‘Ae dil-e-nadaan…’ from Razia Sultan 1983, Khayyam, Jan Nisar Akhtar
I had always liked the slow and rather stillness of the music and the melody since I heard it. But over the years, as I began to understand the words as well, I fell in love with this one. It's like the philosophical me speaking to myself about life, love and everything in between.

‘Rahe na rahe hum…’ from Mamta 1966, Roshan, Majrooh Sultanpuri
I never really paid much attention to the song, until in one of the reality shows a participant, a very talented one indeed was eliminated and she sung it without any music, just her voice. It was an experience. After that I am in love with this song. It's like one of those perfect goodbye, take care kind of song.

‘Naam gum jayega…’ from Kinara 1977, R D Burman, Gulzar
Gulzar's imagery in his poetry is something that I have been fascinated with since I began to understand what the songs' lyrics meant, not that I understand all of his songs. The thought in the song was something that intrigued me. Moreover I always had this outlook towards life, about how transitory it really is yet how some things remain the same throughout.

‘Dil dhoodhta hai…’ from Mausam 1975, Madan Mohan, Gulzar
What an imagery! One can just see those warm afternoon in winter with one's lover. What is interesting is that the two versions of the song - a happy and a sad one - both have the same lyrics.

‘Yeh galiyan, yeh chobara…’ from Prem Rog 1982, Laxmikant-Pyarelal, Santosh Anand
Prem Rog is one of my favourite films. The point at which the song comes is the reason I like the song. The closeness of Padmini with Rishi… her sheer happiness over her marriage and Rishi’s broken heart owing to the same reason... unfortunately it would take a long time and a lot to have happened for her to realize her love for him.

‘Jaane kya baat hai…’ from Sunny 1984, R D Burman, Anand Bakshi
I started liking this song after I heard brother humming it. He lived in a boarding school in Imphal and had seen this movie and really liked the song. It’s a simple song, with minimal music and simple lyrics. And the result is pure magic. In one of her interviews, Lata mentioned that she had completely forgotten about this song and when she stumbled upon it after years she fell in love with the song (an R D Burman’s composition) all over again!

Songs from Aandhi, Ghar, Silsila and Abhimaan are too good as well. But as far as that emotional connect, a link to my life is concern, the 10 songs listed above have become a part of me, over the years…


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Have uploaded few of the videos since I had problem uploading all of them.

masterwordsmith-unplugged: TSUNAMI ALERT (updated)

I got this information from a friend who stays in Indonesia, via sms saying he was upset about what had happened... an earthquake of 7.6 magnitude hit Padang, Indonesia on Wednesday... thankfully my friend stays in another place...so far according to reports 75 people have been killed....

I'm sharing this post from a fren's blog..

masterwordsmith-unplugged: TSUNAMI ALERT (updated)

A Complete Living Moment

Life is a continuous process of growth. From what we were to where we are now and what will be in our future. It’s continuous and always flowing. The past, the present and the future always walk in tandem with each other at every moment of our existence. Perhaps beyond as well. Whatever we do we are always a part of our past, our present and our future. We are nothing but a continuous flow of all three. We can never live at any point in time in just one part of it. Even when we are thinking of our part or pondering about our future, reflecting on our mistakes or planning our days ahead, we still are in our present moment. We are the past, the future and the present. But they hardly exist in equilibrium in a single moment. There is always one which takes control and overshadows the other two. The past sometimes becomes too strong an influence on our present that we are not able to deal with the way our live is going in the moment. Then there are those moments when our future, the fear and apprehension of the unknown grips us so much so that we tend to lose our balance in life and forget to live the present at all. There are times too when we just while away our life in the present moment, harbouring no thought about where we have come from or think about where we are going. Balance in life comes only when they all exist in complete peace with each other. It’s like being a parent to three children, nurturing them and moulding them together in such a way that all three of them feel loved. Likewise, when all three, the past, the future and the present come together in a harmonious manner, with none of them intruding into the other’s space, a complete living moment exists. Most of the times we are searching for this moment in life but rarely do we find it, if at all.